I'm Doug Moe, a comedian from the UCB Theatre NY. Becoming a parent is the most ridiculous thing to ever happen to me. Man Versus Child is funny, not precious.

And it is not a “daddy blog.”

CANDY SCAM
Our PTA makes a lot of its money from candy sales.  I remember this particular scam from my own childhood.  You sell 40 million bars of chocolate and you get an IPAD (or when I was a kid: a WALKMAN).
Sure, they don’t just sell chocolate, they sell a whole bunch of other junk that nobody wants like an “Angel Trinket Box” or a “Sargento Pizza Recipes” cookbook that’ll only cost you nine dollars (and the time spent crying while making the recipes).  
My daughter had a whole assembly about the candy sale to dangle the prizes in front of our young sales force.  Hey kids:  want an iPad?  Who doesn’t?  No problem, just sell $2000 worth of gourmet cookie dough.  No sweat.  Maybe you’re not that ambitious, and just want to get any little prize.  Okay, I gotcha.  How do you like Foam Finger Flyer Rockets?  YOU KNOW, Foam Finger Flyer Rockets!  They’re like a shitty piece of foam you try to fling off your finger until the rubber band breaks and you cry!  Right, those.  Sell $5 worth of junk and this Guaranteed Disappointment can be yours.  OH, you want something not shitty?  Well, you really have to sell $60 worth to get anything remotely cool like a Plastic Gumball Bank.  Good luck!
Perhaps we can employ a little “old math” on this situation:
If Alice sells $2000, she gets an iPad Mini.  How many Alices are there ever?  Does anyone ever get an iPad Mini?
Charlie decides to win a Galaxy Tablet by selling $1200 of junk to his family and friends.  How many erasers does Charlie actually win for selling $5 of junk?  
How many relatives would give Samantha a basketball if she asked for one instead of buying $100 worth of wrapping paper from her?  
Luckily for us, our daughter hates the idea of trying to sell candy to people more than she is enticed by the prize catalog.  But is this really how we’re still doing things?  It’s depressing.  
And yes, this raises money for our school and it is all for a good cause and blah blah blah.  I don’t blame the PTA.  They have a hard job.  But what do the schools get for this fundraising?  20% of the profits?  40%?  I’d love to know.  If my kid has to sell $100 worth of junk for the school to get $20, I’d rather have her sell nothing and not turn her into a Pusherman.
And for the candy company, a pretty sweet business model:  huge, free, ADORABLE sales force with a secret weapon: guilt.  And every 20 years, they give away an iPad.

CANDY SCAM

Our PTA makes a lot of its money from candy sales.  I remember this particular scam from my own childhood.  You sell 40 million bars of chocolate and you get an IPAD (or when I was a kid: a WALKMAN).

Sure, they don’t just sell chocolate, they sell a whole bunch of other junk that nobody wants like an “Angel Trinket Box” or a “Sargento Pizza Recipes” cookbook that’ll only cost you nine dollars (and the time spent crying while making the recipes).  

My daughter had a whole assembly about the candy sale to dangle the prizes in front of our young sales force.  Hey kids:  want an iPad?  Who doesn’t?  No problem, just sell $2000 worth of gourmet cookie dough.  No sweat.  Maybe you’re not that ambitious, and just want to get any little prize.  Okay, I gotcha.  How do you like Foam Finger Flyer Rockets?  YOU KNOW, Foam Finger Flyer Rockets!  They’re like a shitty piece of foam you try to fling off your finger until the rubber band breaks and you cry!  Right, those.  Sell $5 worth of junk and this Guaranteed Disappointment can be yours.  OH, you want something not shitty?  Well, you really have to sell $60 worth to get anything remotely cool like a Plastic Gumball Bank.  Good luck!

Perhaps we can employ a little “old math” on this situation:

  • If Alice sells $2000, she gets an iPad Mini.  How many Alices are there ever?  Does anyone ever get an iPad Mini?
  • Charlie decides to win a Galaxy Tablet by selling $1200 of junk to his family and friends.  How many erasers does Charlie actually win for selling $5 of junk?  
  • How many relatives would give Samantha a basketball if she asked for one instead of buying $100 worth of wrapping paper from her?  

Luckily for us, our daughter hates the idea of trying to sell candy to people more than she is enticed by the prize catalog.  But is this really how we’re still doing things?  It’s depressing.  

And yes, this raises money for our school and it is all for a good cause and blah blah blah.  I don’t blame the PTA.  They have a hard job.  But what do the schools get for this fundraising?  20% of the profits?  40%?  I’d love to know.  If my kid has to sell $100 worth of junk for the school to get $20, I’d rather have her sell nothing and not turn her into a Pusherman.

And for the candy company, a pretty sweet business model:  huge, free, ADORABLE sales force with a secret weapon: guilt.  And every 20 years, they give away an iPad.

Comments
It doesn’t matter. Clean socks always become smelly socks.
- My daughter, talking about socks but really about everything.
Comments
manvchild:

Christopher Columbus for Kids (now)
"Yeah, you have no school Monday because it’s Columbus Day!  Did you guys learn about Columbus?  
Well, he was an explorer.  You see, nobody knew that America even existed.  I mean, nobody in Europe knew that.  There were already Indians here.  Native Americans.  Native Americans already lived here.  
So, nobody in Europe knew that and Christopher Columbus thought that he could go around the world by heading west.  Well actually, he was trying to get to the Orient.  Er, Asia.  He was trying to get to Asia and he discovered America by accident.  He didn’t discover it, but he told Europe about it.  Western Europe.  Probably the Vikings already knew.  
And that’s why you have no school Monday.”

Still true

manvchild:

Christopher Columbus for Kids (now)

"Yeah, you have no school Monday because it’s Columbus Day!  Did you guys learn about Columbus?  

Well, he was an explorer.  You see, nobody knew that America even existed.  I mean, nobody in Europe knew that.  There were already Indians here.  Native Americans.  Native Americans already lived here.  

So, nobody in Europe knew that and Christopher Columbus thought that he could go around the world by heading west.  Well actually, he was trying to get to the Orient.  Er, Asia.  He was trying to get to Asia and he discovered America by accident.  He didn’t discover it, but he told Europe about it.  Western Europe.  Probably the Vikings already knew.  

And that’s why you have no school Monday.”

Still true

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Booger Wall

Sometimes when I’m feeling down about being a parent, I think about how lucky I am.

For instance, I haven’t discovered a booger wall like I had when I was a kid. You know, a wall where you put your boogers like you’re some kind of sick animal.

Yep, at least she doesn’t have a booger wall.

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Daughter’s home water-boarding setup.

Daughter’s home water-boarding setup.

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Hugs

DAUGHTER (from the other room, to my wife): I just had a big poop!
Minutes later, DAUGHTER enters.
ME: Can I have a hug?
DAUGHTER: Um, maybe not. I have dirty hands.
(Pause)
ME: (pause) Why don't you go wash them.
DAUGHTER: Okay.
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It’s Okay

It’s okay that my daughter played soccer twice last weekend and the ball went right past her and she seemed scared and confused about the rules and that everyone else, all BOYS mind you, seemed super-competent and confident while my daughter wasn’t even running much - she can run, right? I’VE SEEN HER RUN.

This is all okay because soccer is just for fun and growth and I can’t fight all the battles for her and even a little bit of incremental improvement over the season would be a confidence boost and it’s probably unlikely that I’m scarring her for life, making her fear all sports, boys and new experiences and it’s unlikely that I’m destroying years of trust we’ve built up and love and that this will be the inciting incident towards a life of crime or the horrible backstory she’ll tell in her college creative writing class, all the heads nodding, “yes, yes, you have a terrible dad, how could he, etc.”  It will be fine.  It’s OKAY.

Comments

improvisingfatherhood:

e-mprov:

E-MPROV - Improvising Fatherhood - 9/7/14

A live improv comedy show about the comedy of being a dad hosted by Nate Smith of improvisingfatherhood and featuring Charlie Capen and Andy Herald of how2beadad, David Vienna of thedaddycomplex, Doug Moe of manvchild and the Upright Citizens Brigade, and Josh Eakright of Second City.

Last night’s show was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who watched it live, but if you didn’t you can watch it…unlive. Enjoy!

Had fun last night doing some #E-MPROV with some fellow dad bloggers.  I’m pretty proud of my nascent beard for holding its own among these bearded heavyweights.

Comments
25 MORE Ways to ask your kids “So How Was School Today?” Without Asking Them “So How Was School Today?”
Just like the author of this article, my child always answers the question “How was school today?” with the answer “fine” or “good.”  The author has some great suggestions, but doesn’t go far enough.  Here’s:
25 MORE Ways to ask your kids “So How Was School Today?” Without Asking Them “So How Was School Today?”
How was school today, REALLY?
What’s the best thing that happened at school today?
No REALLY:  what’s the best thing that happened at school today?
Who’s the weirdest looking kid in your class besides Jason Porter (fill in name of weirdest looking kid)?
Tell me one thing you learned today, but use the voice of the teacher you learned it from.
Tell me something that made you laugh today.  Is it any funnier that this joke:  “What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssssh?”  I’m still the funniest.
When were you bored today?  I know, RIGHT?
If you could choose, who would you like to sit by in class? (Wait for answer) WRONG.  What about Superman?  Anna from “Frozen?”  I didn’t say it had to be a kid.  Tricked you!
What do you think about…HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
Where do you play the most at recess?  Oh yeah, totally.  That’s the best place.
Tell me something good that happened today.
Tell me something better that happened today.
Tell me something…HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
Who in your class could you have been nicer to?  Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself.
If you got to be teacher tomorrow, what made-up word would you teach everyone?
Is there anyone in your class who needs a time-out?  How come?  Mm-hmm.  Wow.  That’s crazy, I’m calling their parents.
How did you help somebody today?  
How did somebody help you today?
How does anyone help someone who doesn’t yet want the help?  I guess I need to just wait.
Where is the coolest place at the school?  Do you think I could still hang there if I dressed up like a kid?
If I called your teacher tonight – well I’m not saying I’m going to, this is a hypothetical question, but IF I DID…I’m not going to.  You know what, forget it.
What do you think you should do/learn more of at school?  Do you think that you’re the best judge of that?  I mean, you’re just a kid.
Billy has 500 quarters.  He wants to buy a toy for $3.00.  How much change does he have left over?  I’m just curious.
What’s the highest point in your classroom?
Was school “fine” or “good” today?  Why?

25 MORE Ways to ask your kids “So How Was School Today?” Without Asking Them “So How Was School Today?”

Just like the author of this article, my child always answers the question “How was school today?” with the answer “fine” or “good.”  The author has some great suggestions, but doesn’t go far enough.  Here’s:

25 MORE Ways to ask your kids “So How Was School Today?” Without Asking Them “So How Was School Today?”

  1. How was school today, REALLY?
  2. What’s the best thing that happened at school today?
  3. No REALLY:  what’s the best thing that happened at school today?
  4. Who’s the weirdest looking kid in your class besides Jason Porter (fill in name of weirdest looking kid)?
  5. Tell me one thing you learned today, but use the voice of the teacher you learned it from.
  6. Tell me something that made you laugh today.  Is it any funnier that this joke:  “What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssssh?”  I’m still the funniest.
  7. When were you bored today?  I know, RIGHT?
  8. If you could choose, who would you like to sit by in class? (Wait for answer) WRONG.  What about Superman?  Anna from “Frozen?”  I didn’t say it had to be a kid.  Tricked you!
  9. What do you think about…HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
  10. Where do you play the most at recess?  Oh yeah, totally.  That’s the best place.
  11. Tell me something good that happened today.
  12. Tell me something better that happened today.
  13. Tell me something…HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
  14. Who in your class could you have been nicer to?  Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself.
  15. If you got to be teacher tomorrow, what made-up word would you teach everyone?
  16. Is there anyone in your class who needs a time-out?  How come?  Mm-hmm.  Wow.  That’s crazy, I’m calling their parents.
  17. How did you help somebody today?  
  18. How did somebody help you today?
  19. How does anyone help someone who doesn’t yet want the help?  I guess I need to just wait.
  20. Where is the coolest place at the school?  Do you think I could still hang there if I dressed up like a kid?
  21. If I called your teacher tonight – well I’m not saying I’m going to, this is a hypothetical question, but IF I DID…I’m not going to.  You know what, forget it.
  22. What do you think you should do/learn more of at school?  Do you think that you’re the best judge of that?  I mean, you’re just a kid.
  23. Billy has 500 quarters.  He wants to buy a toy for $3.00.  How much change does he have left over?  I’m just curious.
  24. What’s the highest point in your classroom?
  25. Was school “fine” or “good” today?  Why?
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Lawn Mowin’ ‘Merican

I mowed my first lawn in 20 years today and it came back like I’d never stopped.  

The fact that it’s been that long firmly puts me outside of the ‘Merican mainstream like the city-slicker I am.  I figure I last mowed a lawn sometime in college, maybe 1994.  Wow.  

I ain’t gonna lie:  it felt good to make those straight orderly lines out of the chaos, knock down a bunch of weird mushrooms, even knock up some dirt where the ground is uneven.  I pwned that lawn.

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spotastic:

I first saw this Abbot & Costello sketch when I was in middle school. It blew my mind. It was my first lesson in bullshitting and justification.

For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about it.

Damn I love it. So Good.

NEW MATH

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This dog keeps trying to hump my daughter, which she thinks is hilarious.
Guys, I’m not ready for “The Talk.”

This dog keeps trying to hump my daughter, which she thinks is hilarious.

Guys, I’m not ready for “The Talk.”

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improvisingfatherhood:

thedaddycomplex:

Just a reminder.
And in addition to joining us tonight, you can all marvel at my sweet knock-off Photoshop skills.
thedaddycomplex (aka davidvienna)
improvisingfatherhood (aka bestnatesmithever)
how2beadad (aka… um… how2beadad)
manvchild (aka dougmoe)


This is going to be fun and weird.

Tonight!  The magic of the internet/improv/dads piped into your home. Sit around in your underwear if you want, though I worry about you sometimes. Get out and make some friends, just not tonight

improvisingfatherhood:

thedaddycomplex:

Just a reminder.

And in addition to joining us tonight, you can all marvel at my sweet knock-off Photoshop skills.

This is going to be fun and weird.

Tonight! The magic of the internet/improv/dads piped into your home. Sit around in your underwear if you want, though I worry about you sometimes. Get out and make some friends, just not tonight

Comments
I’m not a napkin.
- Another thing I never thought I’d say to my daughter.
Comments