I'm Doug Moe, a comedian from the UCB Theatre NY. Becoming a parent is the most ridiculous thing to ever happen to me. Man Versus Child is funny, not precious.

And it is not a “daddy blog.”

I’m not a napkin.
- Another thing I never thought I’d say to my daughter.
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michaelhartney:

ucbcomedy:

Feeling guilty about not calling your dad lately? Just watch this video from UCBs Characters Welcome. It’s essentially what your phone call would be anyways. 

The first episode of Characters Welcome is out! I sadly wasn’t able to make it to set that day, but my dad was only too happy to fill in.

It’s weird that dads are so bad at the phone.

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"GIFT" SHOPS

Every time we go to a museum, my daughter wants something from the gift shop.  
This past weekend we were at the Dia: Beacon.  It’s not a Children’s Museum where they’ve dressed up a playground with some science facts and you hope it sticks.  There’s no Curious George exhibit, nor does Arthur teach you about bubbles.  And thankfully there’s no Franklin, though God only knows what he’d have to teach anyone.  No, this is a real museum museum.  There’s literally piece of art that is shards of glass in a pile.  (Side note:  when I cautioned my daughter that she was too close to a different, less dangerous piece, the museum staff said, “Oh, actually you can walk on that piece.”)
All the signs are there:  No Fun Toys Ahead.  And yet, my daughter is desperate to visit the gift shop.  Maybe they will have a rubber pile of glass toy!  A Richard Serra paperweight?  Or perhaps the disturbing video installation piece will have a commemorative pencil.   I don’t know what she expects.  I suspect she thinks of all museums as giant, boring lobbies to a toy store.
In any case, most museums happily fulfill her expectations.  The Met has cute mummy books and the MOMA has coloring books inspired by Rothko and so on.  And most of these “toys” are so gunked-up with learning, that you know they won’t be played with for very long.  And anyway, the mark-up is huge.  You parents know all this!  It’s a racket.  
My proposal:  fill gift shops with groceries or other shit I have to pick up anyway.  I just don’t want to blow my money on a cubist tchotchke when I need eggs.  Or toiletries.  Maybe we could exit through the Rite Aid?  Help us out, museums!

"GIFT" SHOPS

Every time we go to a museum, my daughter wants something from the gift shop.  

This past weekend we were at the Dia: Beacon.  It’s not a Children’s Museum where they’ve dressed up a playground with some science facts and you hope it sticks.  There’s no Curious George exhibit, nor does Arthur teach you about bubbles.  And thankfully there’s no Franklin, though God only knows what he’d have to teach anyone.  No, this is a real museum museum.  There’s literally piece of art that is shards of glass in a pile.  (Side note:  when I cautioned my daughter that she was too close to a different, less dangerous piece, the museum staff said, “Oh, actually you can walk on that piece.”)

All the signs are there:  No Fun Toys Ahead.  And yet, my daughter is desperate to visit the gift shop.  Maybe they will have a rubber pile of glass toy!  A Richard Serra paperweight?  Or perhaps the disturbing video installation piece will have a commemorative pencil.   I don’t know what she expects.  I suspect she thinks of all museums as giant, boring lobbies to a toy store.

In any case, most museums happily fulfill her expectations.  The Met has cute mummy books and the MOMA has coloring books inspired by Rothko and so on.  And most of these “toys” are so gunked-up with learning, that you know they won’t be played with for very long.  And anyway, the mark-up is huge.  You parents know all this!  It’s a racket.  

My proposal:  fill gift shops with groceries or other shit I have to pick up anyway.  I just don’t want to blow my money on a cubist tchotchke when I need eggs.  Or toiletries.  Maybe we could exit through the Rite Aid?  Help us out, museums!

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dougmoe:

BETWEEN THE SCENES:  STAR WARS

Yay!  So psyched this is out.  The incredible folks of ucbcomedy made this series for nerdist and I’m amazed at how great it looks.  

If you ever wondered what it feels like to work for Darth Vader, here’s your chance to find out!

My blog, my rules!  Sure, I could try to connect this video I’m in with dad issues or parenting, but why bother!  It’s an awesome Star Wars video.  Enjoy!

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HIT PLAY

Give a listen to this super-interesting episode of On Being.  On Being is probably the most NPR of the podcasts I listen to, complete with the near-whispering host and the precious energy of LEARNING, but I still dig it.  I recommend cradling a cup of chamomile and stroking a cat while you listen for full effect.

In this episode, they talk about the idea of “play” and how important it is.  Yes folks, it’s time to get serious about play.

Playing may be one of the few things that parents of young children are way better at than other grown-ups, along with snack preparation.  

It’s really easy to forget about though.  I see it all the time in my improv classes:  people come in, very uptight, unable to cut loose and be a goof.  Don’t forget to laugh!  And if you’re coloring with your kid right now or making googie faces, be assured:  you are doing important work.

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In Defense of Dad Jokes


Dad Jokes are the worst! They’re corny, unsophisticated, unfunny, lame. Right? Isn’t that the worst thing someone can call one of your jokes?

But I got to thinking about it and I realized that if it’s YOUR dad or if YOU ARE the dad, Dad Jokes are awesome. I love when my dad says that “we’re on a roll” while holding a roll at dinner. It’s maddening! I love it! And I like nothing than getting a groan from my daughter, wrestling a begrudging laugh from her with a lame joke.

Dad Jokes have no agenda except to make you laugh. They’re not trying to make you look cool, with-it or hip. That ship has SAILED. They’re UNCOOL, UN-IRONIC and they’re VULNERABLE. Laugh if you like, or DON’T. Point is: dads know that the jokes kind of suck, and that if they get a laugh it’s partially because the person loves them. And if they don’t get a laugh, that’s okay too because the love remains.

Dad Jokes are the best!

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FATHER’S DAY GIFT GUIDE
This Father’s Day, find the perfect gift for YOUR dad with my perfect gift guide!  What kind of dad do you have?  There’s a perfect gift for every dad!
GADGET DAD
Is your dad a tech-whiz who always has to have the latest gadget?  Does he have a Roku?  He does?  What about a Universal Remote?  Yeah, those are tricky.  Uh huh, mine doesn’t work that well either.  A Grill Light?  A Roomba?  A Kindle?  I’d probably get him a Gift Card then.
KITCHEN DAD
Does your dad love to cook?  Well then, he’ll love this Meat Thermometer!  Too cheap?  Try this Cook Set.  He has that?  That exact one?  You think so, but aren’t sure.  Maybe a Gift Card.
SPORTS DAD
For the sporty dad who likes to get his sport on, why not try these Golf Balls?  What kind of sports is he into then?  Does he run?  Because if he does, he would probably love this Heart Rate Monitor.  You’re not sure?  How many times do you talk to your dad?  You should call him more often.  But for now, how about a Gift Card?
BOOKWORM DAD
This one looks good.  Or does he like history?  What DO you know about him?  Is he into business?  Okay, good!  He goes to an office.  That’s super helpful.  What does he do there?  Uh huh.  He’s a “manager of something?”  This book is about management.  I know, it’s kind of a risk.  Yeah, I’d probably go with a Gift Card.

A Gift Card is truly a wonderful gift for any kind of wonderful dad!

FATHER’S DAY GIFT GUIDE

This Father’s Day, find the perfect gift for YOUR dad with my perfect gift guide!  What kind of dad do you have?  There’s a perfect gift for every dad!

GADGET DAD

Is your dad a tech-whiz who always has to have the latest gadget?  Does he have a Roku?  He does?  What about a Universal Remote?  Yeah, those are tricky.  Uh huh, mine doesn’t work that well either.  A Grill Light?  A Roomba?  A Kindle?  I’d probably get him a Gift Card then.

KITCHEN DAD

Does your dad love to cook?  Well then, he’ll love this Meat Thermometer!  Too cheap?  Try this Cook Set.  He has that?  That exact one?  You think so, but aren’t sure.  Maybe a Gift Card.

SPORTS DAD

For the sporty dad who likes to get his sport on, why not try these Golf Balls?  What kind of sports is he into then?  Does he run?  Because if he does, he would probably love this Heart Rate Monitor.  You’re not sure?  How many times do you talk to your dad?  You should call him more often.  But for now, how about a Gift Card?

BOOKWORM DAD

This one looks good.  Or does he like history?  What DO you know about him?  Is he into business?  Okay, good!  He goes to an office.  That’s super helpful.  What does he do there?  Uh huh.  He’s a “manager of something?”  This book is about management.  I know, it’s kind of a risk.  Yeah, I’d probably go with a Gift Card.

A Gift Card is truly a wonderful gift for any kind of wonderful dad!

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TINY BABY BONES
The other day, we attended presentations from my daughter’s second-grade class on the various systems of the body.  My daughter’s group did the muscular system, others tackled the digestive system, the brain, etc.  It was pretty impressive overall, though these 8-year olds were more willing to guess and make stuff up than you’d probably want your doctor to.  ”Facts” I learned:
The small intestines and the large intestines are for poo and pee, respectively. 
Babies have more bones than adults.
Babies can’t walk because they have no bones in their legs.
Well, it turns out that all of this is not so way off.  As creepy as it sounds, babies do have more bones than we do.  And - WTF - they also don’t have fully-formed leg bones.  Where the hell are these tiny, squishy babies hiding all these bones?  

TINY BABY BONES

The other day, we attended presentations from my daughter’s second-grade class on the various systems of the body.  My daughter’s group did the muscular system, others tackled the digestive system, the brain, etc.  It was pretty impressive overall, though these 8-year olds were more willing to guess and make stuff up than you’d probably want your doctor to.  ”Facts” I learned:

  1. The small intestines and the large intestines are for poo and pee, respectively. 
  2. Babies have more bones than adults.
  3. Babies can’t walk because they have no bones in their legs.

Well, it turns out that all of this is not so way off.  As creepy as it sounds, babies do have more bones than we do.  And - WTF - they also don’t have fully-formed leg bones.  Where the hell are these tiny, squishy babies hiding all these bones?  

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DIG IT
Have you played Minecraft?  You dig a hole, then dump all your free time and sanity into it.
My daughter, like 8-year olds everywhere, has gotten into Minecraft.  And considering all the other junky options out there, I was pretty pleased.  She still likes to play games like Animal Jam and really any Flash-based game that can slow my computer to a crawl, but Minecraft is part of her repertoire.  Since you are on the internet, you probably already know that Minecraft is an incredibly open world where your character mines for materials and can build houses, explore caves and a million other things.  It all looks like a giant Lego world.  And bonus:  it has wonderfully nap-inducing background music.
The first sign of trouble was when my daughter introduced it to my brother.  He’s acquired our father’s habit of watching This Old House and he even took a week-long housebuilding course in Maine last year.  So I had a hunch he’d like it.  And he did. He’s obsessed with it.
When we were at a kid’s bookstore recently, he spent 20 minutes holed up in the corner leafing through a Minecraft guide.  How sad!  OH man did I make fun of him.  I even made the mistake of telling him that there’s an iPhone version.
But like so many things I mock, this one has come back to haunt me.  Now I am obsessed with Minecraft.  I started playing as a bit of lazy Saturday bonding with my daughter and now I’ve had a couple of stressful nights trying to find my way out of a skeleton-filled mineshaft I found buried deep under my house.  Recently, I begged off of going to a bar with some friends so I could come back home to my little mining buddy.  See what happens when you try to bond with your kid?

DIG IT

Have you played Minecraft?  You dig a hole, then dump all your free time and sanity into it.

My daughter, like 8-year olds everywhere, has gotten into Minecraft.  And considering all the other junky options out there, I was pretty pleased.  She still likes to play games like Animal Jam and really any Flash-based game that can slow my computer to a crawl, but Minecraft is part of her repertoire.  Since you are on the internet, you probably already know that Minecraft is an incredibly open world where your character mines for materials and can build houses, explore caves and a million other things.  It all looks like a giant Lego world.  And bonus:  it has wonderfully nap-inducing background music.

The first sign of trouble was when my daughter introduced it to my brother.  He’s acquired our father’s habit of watching This Old House and he even took a week-long housebuilding course in Maine last year.  So I had a hunch he’d like it.  And he did. He’s obsessed with it.

When we were at a kid’s bookstore recently, he spent 20 minutes holed up in the corner leafing through a Minecraft guide.  How sad!  OH man did I make fun of him.  I even made the mistake of telling him that there’s an iPhone version.

But like so many things I mock, this one has come back to haunt me.  Now I am obsessed with Minecraft.  I started playing as a bit of lazy Saturday bonding with my daughter and now I’ve had a couple of stressful nights trying to find my way out of a skeleton-filled mineshaft I found buried deep under my house.  Recently, I begged off of going to a bar with some friends so I could come back home to my little mining buddy.  See what happens when you try to bond with your kid?

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My daughter is eight years old, so I thought that she’s probably stop believing in the Easter Bunny by now.  Especially considering how many questions she was asking last year.
This year she left this note.  Then the next morning, my stepmom was like, “Don’t forget to write him a thank you note,” and my daughter started asking about his mailing address and how she knew it was a “he” and the whole time I’m like:  let’s stop talking about this before the whole lie falls apart!  Keep it moving, nothing to see here…

My daughter is eight years old, so I thought that she’s probably stop believing in the Easter Bunny by now.  Especially considering how many questions she was asking last year.

This year she left this note.  Then the next morning, my stepmom was like, “Don’t forget to write him a thank you note,” and my daughter started asking about his mailing address and how she knew it was a “he” and the whole time I’m like:  let’s stop talking about this before the whole lie falls apart!  Keep it moving, nothing to see here…

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The wonderful Five Thirty-eight Blog with an article about baby’s first curse-words.
I have a filthy mouth.  One day after I yelled at a car for blowing a light, my daughter asked, “Why’d you call that guy an apple?”
But people!  You are really missing the boat here.  ”Shit?”  ”Fuck?”  So unimaginative!  I’m loading my daughter up with fake swear words like the dad in A Christmas Story.  
My daughter’s first curse words:
"Why-I-Oughtta"
"Flippin Sticks"
"George’ll Show Ya"
"Ship"
"Foopy Fants"
"Hoe-Down"
"Oath of Office"
"Particle Man"
"Enjoy your snacks"
"(Oh my) Josh (Brolin)"

The wonderful Five Thirty-eight Blog with an article about baby’s first curse-words.

I have a filthy mouth.  One day after I yelled at a car for blowing a light, my daughter asked, “Why’d you call that guy an apple?”

But people!  You are really missing the boat here.  ”Shit?”  ”Fuck?”  So unimaginative!  I’m loading my daughter up with fake swear words like the dad in A Christmas Story.  

My daughter’s first curse words:

  1. "Why-I-Oughtta"
  2. "Flippin Sticks"
  3. "George’ll Show Ya"
  4. "Ship"
  5. "Foopy Fants"
  6. "Hoe-Down"
  7. "Oath of Office"
  8. "Particle Man"
  9. "Enjoy your snacks"
  10. "(Oh my) Josh (Brolin)"
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THE BLACK BOX
My stepdad died recently, my daughter’s “Papa.”  He’d been in declining health for awhile, but I’d done minimal prepping for my daughter.  I didn’t know how she would react to him dying.  
Kids are weird about death.  When my daughter was little, our two cats were already old.  India, the fat black one, was the first to die.  When I told my daughter, she stated flatly, “But she’s my friend.”  That really made me lose my shit and I started sobbing.  My daughter stared, seemingly embarrassed for me.  She really wasn’t very upset.
But weeks later, out of the blue she asked me if India was in a museum.  I reminded her that no, India was dead.  She explained that dinosaurs were dead and they were in museums.  That’s kid logic for you.  Now I have a picture in my head of India under a bell jar as a specimen of “Cat” in some weird museum.  She’s a less-than-ideal physical reference for the species.
So apparently, unbeknownst to me, she’d been mulling death over in her head for a few weeks.
Our other cat Levi died one night and my daughter found his body half sticking out of a cardboard box in the living room.  He always liked boxes.  She seemed to shrug that one off too.  It was like, “Huh!  A stiff, dead cat.  Weird!”
But that was all when she was little.  Now she’s eight and this was her grandfather.  So when I told her, she was sad.  She gave me a big hug.  She lingered, then said “Can I have my electronic time?”  This is a girl who sometimes cries at not having dessert.  No crying, no carrying on.  It’s times like this that kids seem like sociopaths. With all the fake crying, pretending to care about the rules and then ignoring them, what’s the difference between them and sociopaths?
But at the wake, she was affected I think.  She got to see her Papa one more time and I think being there helped to make it all a little more real.  She didn’t break down and cry, but kids are a black box sometimes.  Who knows what they’re thinking or feeling?
And the other day, her friend accidentally knocked over her Sea-Monkeys.    She wailed, she pleaded for them to be saved.  It was all out of proportion.  It’s all right there under the surface somewhere.  
One of the hard things about being a parent is you’re never sure what’s getting through, what’s making a difference.  Who knows what’s in the black box right?

THE BLACK BOX

My stepdad died recently, my daughter’s “Papa.”  He’d been in declining health for awhile, but I’d done minimal prepping for my daughter.  I didn’t know how she would react to him dying.  

Kids are weird about death.  When my daughter was little, our two cats were already old.  India, the fat black one, was the first to die.  When I told my daughter, she stated flatly, “But she’s my friend.”  That really made me lose my shit and I started sobbing.  My daughter stared, seemingly embarrassed for me.  She really wasn’t very upset.

But weeks later, out of the blue she asked me if India was in a museum.  I reminded her that no, India was dead.  She explained that dinosaurs were dead and they were in museums.  That’s kid logic for you.  Now I have a picture in my head of India under a bell jar as a specimen of “Cat” in some weird museum.  She’s a less-than-ideal physical reference for the species.

So apparently, unbeknownst to me, she’d been mulling death over in her head for a few weeks.

Our other cat Levi died one night and my daughter found his body half sticking out of a cardboard box in the living room.  He always liked boxes.  She seemed to shrug that one off too.  It was like, “Huh!  A stiff, dead cat.  Weird!”

But that was all when she was little.  Now she’s eight and this was her grandfather.  So when I told her, she was sad.  She gave me a big hug.  She lingered, then said “Can I have my electronic time?”  This is a girl who sometimes cries at not having dessert.  No crying, no carrying on.  It’s times like this that kids seem like sociopaths. With all the fake crying, pretending to care about the rules and then ignoring them, what’s the difference between them and sociopaths?

But at the wake, she was affected I think.  She got to see her Papa one more time and I think being there helped to make it all a little more real.  She didn’t break down and cry, but kids are a black box sometimes.  Who knows what they’re thinking or feeling?

And the other day, her friend accidentally knocked over her Sea-Monkeys.    She wailed, she pleaded for them to be saved.  It was all out of proportion.  It’s all right there under the surface somewhere.  

One of the hard things about being a parent is you’re never sure what’s getting through, what’s making a difference.  Who knows what’s in the black box right?

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This sounds like Gap Store music
-

My daughter when I played her “Genius of Love” by Tom Tom Club.

Oof. That’s growing old in a nutshell.

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