I’m a dude.  And I’m here to give pregnant ladies advice on how to get a seat on the subway.  

Still reading?  Cool.

I’ve seen articles (here and here) about how hard it is to get a seat on the subway when you’re pregnant, but I haven’t seen any practical guides to getting one.  Being a pregnant lady on the subway is harsh.  In an ideal world, everyone would offer a pregnant woman their seats.  But girlfriend this ain’t an ideal world.

So you still want a seat, right?  So I’m gonna tell you what works!

1.  LOOK PREGNANT

This is Rule Number One.  I can’t read your mind or see into your tummy.  I don’t want to offend an overweight lady by offering her my seat mistakenly.  That sounds dumb, but it’s true!  I read an advice column that said you could fib a little in such a situation:  ”I’ve been sitting all day, would you like my seat?”  But practically, I think that sounds lame and way too obvious.  Given an ambiguous situation and a nice comfy seat, I think most poeple play it safe.  

Be pro-active!  Look pregnant!  Especially in winter, unzip the big coat and let your baby bulge bulge!  Give it a rub.  Be real pregnant-y.

2.  BE SEAT HUNGRY

Nobody likes a martyr.  I’m happy to give up my seat, but don’t make me work too hard for it.  Be trying to find a seat!  Search the eyes of your fellow straphangers longingly, pleadingly.  Look around frantically!  Ham it up.  Try to catch someone’s eye.

Sometimes, I will spot a pregnant woman and I can’t get her attention to give her my seat.  Now maybe this is because I am a creep and she wants nothing to do with me.  But creeps have seats for you!  So heads up!

3.  PROFILE

Get close to a likely target.  

Young dudes playing two-thumbed iPhone games, old jerks with giant books and hung over young hotties - these people will not give you a seat.

But people with kids - kind mothers and fathers - many of us will happily forfeit our seats if prompted.  Profiling is horrible, wrong…in theory.  In practice, it will get you a seat!

4.  BE A BIG LOSER

If you’re one of those gorgeous, glowing pregnant ladies - ya know, the ones that just radiate the possibilities of life, the ones that are walking soap commercials - you’ve got extra work to do.  You’ve gotta channel your inner exhausted down-on-their-luck chump.  Nobody likes to give their seat to a winner.  But the truly pathetic?  Feels good to do a good turn for the truly pathetic!

5.  BE A BELLY - er - BULLY

What’re you trying to make friends?  You’re trying to get a seat!  If the going gets tough, if no one is stepping up, time to Mama Bear this shit.  Pick a particularly fit and well-rested layabout and politely shame them:  ”Do you mind?  I’m pregnant and would love to sit down.”  Hoo-boy, that will work on almost anyone.  

That’s my advice!  Pregnant ladies/former pregnant ladies:  what am I missing?  Let me know!