A prepared dad is a happy dad!  Here’s 50 Essentials for Every Dad’s Diaper Bag:

1. What the fuck are we talking about?  There’s no way you should be carrying around 50 things.  I hope you know that!  C’mon, man.  You can do better than that. 
2. Metrocard
3. You were going to carry around 50 things?  That’s a lot of things!  Don’t do that!  I’m sorry to say it again, it’s just:  c’mon.
4. Do you have a diaper bag?  Why?
5. Women carry diaper bags.  Don’t you go doing it now!  Unless you were somehow able to get a cool-looking diaper bag on that baby shower list, you are gonna look like a wimp walking around with that giant, girlie-man diaper bag.
6. Put all that shit in your backpack or courier bag.
7. Wallet
8. Pack light!  Your kid isn’t gonna carry any of that shit.
9. Half the shit that goes in a diaper bag, you don’t need.
10. Plus:  the world is full of prepared moms with their giant diaper bags.  These prepared mothers love to share their stuff with Unprepared Dads.
11. Babies need more shit.  If you have a kid now, you don’t need a lot of stuff.
12. Diapers.  Then again if you don’t bring any diapers, it’s no biggee.  Most babies don’t really care about clean diapers.  PARENTS care about clean diapers.  It’s all a mind-game.
13. But you might as well bring diapers.
14. Probably there should be two lists:  one for dads with babies, one for dads with kids
15. Tissues:  you don’t need these.  Tell them to use their shirt.  Kids don’t care.
16. But ya know what?  I’m making one list, not two.  That’s a lot of work, making two lists.  So one list:  for dads with babies and kids.
17. Probably I shouldn’t even keep this list convention up since you clearly know it’s not a real list now.
18. Wipes:  okay, you do need these.  If you have a baby.  If you have a kid, don’t sweat it.  If you ever need one, some other mom out there will have them.
19. Drinks:  you don’t need these.  Buy these on the road.  Better yet:  “We have drinks at home” works a lot of the time.
20. Snacks:  you don’t need these.  What were you going to do today with your kid?  Didn’t you plan on eating something somewhere?  That’s like half of your day:  eating stuff.  So eat good stuff at a yummy restaurant somewhere, not Pirate Booty.
21. Bottles:  you damn well better have these if you have a baby.  If you have a kid now, I don’t even know why you would bring up bottles.  Kid:  no bottles (duh!)
22. If your kid/baby is kind of a dick in public, I guess you could bring snacks and forget about going to a restaurant.  Sucks to be you.
23. A book:  you won’t have time to read it.
24. A kid’s book:  not unless you’re planning on reading it somewhere.
25. Pen and paper:  this is really good because you can write things down.  And also, you can have your kid draw with it.
26. iPhone:  you must have this with you, for distracting games
27. Chainsaw
28. You don’t need a chainsaw, I’m just making sure you are really reading this.
29. Holy shit, you were really gonna carry around 50 things.  You are crazy.
30. Also, you need a chainsaw (just checking to see if I could slip it in the middle and trip you up)
31. Binkie/pacifier if you have a baby
32. I feel bad that your kid is such a dick that you can’t even go to a restaurant.  You should go anyway.
33. Also, I dare anyone to say anything to you if your kid is eating Pirate Booty at a restaurant.
34. Diaper Bag checklist:  don’t bring this.  It’s a comedy list and won’t actually be helpful.
35. Ugh, okay now even I am sick of this list so I am stopping it now.
36. Also, I refuse to change this to “36 Essentials for Every Dad’s Diaper Bag” because that will ruin everything.